“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church because we are members of his body. ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Ephesians 5:21-33
I am not sure why I chose this passage to share at my soon-to-be daughter-in-law’s bridal shower other than the fact that when I was a young woman about to be married I did not understand what it meant. I was raised, as probably many of you were, to be an independent, smart, strong young woman who could choose to marry if she liked, but didn’t really need a man. To be honest, this passage offended me. I am sorry to say it, but the very idea of submitting to my husband made me bristle. Some of this comes from my personality and the idea of wanting to be a strong woman, some from my utter sinfulness, and some from the feminist culture I was surrounded by. As I have grown older, however, I have come to view this passage as a beautiful gift from my good heavenly Father and also as essential to a good marriage.
Begin at the beginning
To fully understand this passage in Ephesians, we have to begin at the beginning; in Genesis. Paul quotes Genesis 2:24 when he says, “For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This was the original plan from the beginning for our marriages: one man and one woman becoming one flesh for one lifetime. Paul calls this a “profound mystery” right before pivoting into this line, “but I am talking about Christ and the church.” Is he talking about men and women becoming one flesh, or is he talking about Christ and the church becoming one? Well, the answer is, he is talking about both. That’s the profound mystery: our marriages, as originally designed before sin entered the world, are a picture of Christ marrying his church.
Prior to us human beings ushering this thing called sin into our world, Adam and Eve were designed as helpmates with the goal of tending the earth, subduing it, and ruling over it. This would be accomplished by them being fruitful and multiplying. Now don’t miss the importance of this: They came from the same flesh and to multiply they became one flesh. They were both, male and female, made in the image of God and it was very good.
His original purpose
Only after the fall, did God say to the woman, “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you” (Genesis 3:16). This is the tragedy and brokenness of sin: our female longing and desire to be loved by men even if it means manipulating them; and then men’s tendency to distort that relationship and exert dominance over women. We have all seen this, and maybe a few of us have lived this to some extent. Women desperate to be loved by men, or our flirtatious manipulation of those same men; men and women distorting God’s beautiful plan of sexual union for a fleeting feeling; and men ruling over the women in their lives through strength and dominance.
Paul understood all these distortions caused by sin and this passage in Ephesians is not justifying our sinful tendencies in marriage. It is exactly the opposite- he is calling husbands and wives back to the creational order of love won for us through Christ’s redemption on the cross. Christ died and rose again which gives us hope that we can live according to God’s original plan for marriage.
He means it for good
So let’s get back to the ‘deeply’ offensive line in verse 22, “Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” To submit to someone means to be completely given to them. So we are to completely give ourselves to our husbands the same way that we give ourselves to Christ. And herein lies the beauty of the whole passage. Christ was called to serve the church. He loved her so much that he laid down his life for her. As Christopher West states in the book, Our Bodies Tell God’s Story, “One way I explain submission in this context is, ‘Wives, put yourself under (or sub) the mission of your husband.’ And what is the mission of the husband? ‘Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church.’ How did Christ love the church? He ‘gave himself up for her’ (v. 25) – even unto death! Christ said that he came not to be served, but to serve, to lay down his life for his bride (Matt 20:28).”
So, ladies, instead of bristling when you hear that you are to “submit to your husbands”, hear what Paul is actually saying, “Wives, allow your husbands to serve you…even unto death.” As the head of your household, he is to be the first to serve, just as Christ is the head of the church and came to serve her. “There is a sacred order to love. In imaging Christ and the church, ‘the husband is above all he who loves, and the wife, on the other hand, is she who is loved.’ Thus we can conclude that ‘the wife’s submission to the husband means above all ‘the experiencing of love.’ This is all the more so because this ‘submission’ refers to the image of the submission of the church to Christ, which certainly consists in experiencing his love.” (Christopher West, Our Bodies Tell God’s Story)
Isn’t this good news?
It is good news. Marriage isn’t a transactional partnership or the pinnacle of arriving at adulthood. Instead, it is a lifelong union of two sin-prone humans who need mercy from the Lord and one another as they strive to daily die to their own desires and serve each other. It is hard. Mistakes will be made. It takes work. And, as Paul says, it is a profound mystery that points to the marriage of Christ and his church. And therein lies the beauty: our marriages are a shadow pointing to how deeply Christ loves his people and his church.
So, my prayer for you, friend, is that you would allow your husbands to serve you all of the days of their lives, even unto death. And I pray that your husbands will be the head of your household by always being the first to serve you, just as Christ has served the church.
In His Love,
Amy
