Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath
righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
2 Corinthians 6:14-15 (KJV)
Throughout my teenage years, I often found myself spending more time around adults than I did those of my own age. This may seem lonely to some, but in some ways, I preferred it this way and was grateful to the older women who took the time to foster meaningful and fulfilling relationships with me. I was inspired by their homemaking, the care that they showed their children, the way they used the talents and interests accumulated over a lifetime to build homes that fostered unique and vibrant family cultures.
While I was well aware of the challenges motherhood presented, there was always something so beautiful, so transcendent, about the way these mothers fostered and loved the little souls placed in their care. Despite the fact that I also saw many struggles, anxiety, and unmet expectations, through it all I saw a vision, a platonic ideal, of what a family could be. I have always aspired to show the unconditional love of Christ to my own family one day, and I hope to someday find someone who shares that vision and with whom I can create a home that is a picture of Christ’s love for his people.
For those of us who grew up in the church, marriage was a topic of perpetual discussion and an item that received significant emphasis is that of marrying a Christian. But when we reach the age when the choice of a spouse becomes not just an abstract topic of discussion but a real and immediate concern, we might begin to wonder why it matters. If you meet someone with whom you get along really well, even agreeing on most issues, but that person is an unbeliever, is that one thing enough to disqualify him entirely, especially if he’s supportive of your beliefs?
A friend and I were talking about this the other day, and she said she would rather be with someone who was honest with her than someone who used a Christian facade to impress her. She dated men before who paid lip service to Christ but were only using it to get what they wanted from her. Why should she turn down her current boyfriend (an agnostic) merely because he wasn’t Christian? My friend seems to be really happy in her current relationship, begging the question, does faith matter in a partner?
Two Becoming One
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave
unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
Genesis 2:24 (KJV)
In Matthew 22:37, Christ tells us that the great commandment in the law is “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind,” implying that every aspect of our being should be subservient to our love of God. If we extend this to marriage, then our relationships are secondary, or rather a subset, of our love for God. If a woman and her husband are united in the faith, then they will support each other in that goal of perfect love, and not only will their love of God be enhanced, but by extension so will their love for one another. They are united not by shared interests or personality traits (both of which are changeable) but by the beginnings of an eternal love toward God. However, when a couple is not united, there will always be tension between the demands of faith and those of the unbelieving spouse. We can’t serve God and man, and as a result over time we will favor one or the other, leaving us with the choice of compromising our faith or being at odds with our husbands. If our being belongs to Christ, why then deliberately choose to become one with someone who is not His?
On an Enduring Unity
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Matthew 6:21 (KJV)
Living things are not static, they grow and change, pushing roots into the land around them, stretching and twining with their environments. I will not be the same as I am now in twenty years. What we value, where we find our treasures: this is what defines the directions in which we grow and the shapes we change into. If my treasure is in heaven and my heart is with Christ, then that foretells what I will become in the future. Likewise, if I have a spouse whose god is himself and his treasure is on earth, that demarks a very different direction, which means that I would have to make the choice to either compromise on my faith or constantly be at odds with him. Perhaps that would only be in small ways initially, ways that don’t seem to matter, but the gap between us would grow and the relationship would grow more and more difficult as time went on.
One might think that the believer would be in the most difficult position in this scenario, but it’s perhaps even harder for the unbelieving spouse. In 2 Corinthians when Paul talks about being unequally yoked with an unbeliever, he is referring to a passage in Deuteronomy where the law forbids yoking an ox with a donkey. The reason for this is that the stronger animal will pull harder than the weaker animal, dragging it along and causing it extreme discomfort. The arrangement is unfair to both parties. When one person in a marriage is spiritually much stronger than the other, the weaker spouse will constantly feel the disapproval of the stronger, perpetually aware of the standards that they are failing to live up to. I remember a friend telling me about how his family had not gone to church for three years because his father preferred to watch football, and his mother got tired of forcing him out of the house–hardly a picture of unfailing love and devotion.
Waiting with Joy
For we walk by faith, not by sight.
2 Corinthians 5:7 (KJV)
The courses of our lives have been divinely ordained, and the Lord in his gracious wisdom gives us everything we need at any given moment. The reason something hasn’t happened yet is merely because it isn’t the correct time for it. If a young woman hasn’t found a potential husband who’s serious about his faith, it’s because he’s not ready yet. But regardless of how long we may be asked to wait, the choice to marry is not one to be made out of fear or impulsive passion, but out of a firm conviction of the heart. If we embrace hope rather than fear, love of God and the pursuit of virtue can be our first concern, and from virtue comes independence of spirit, and only then can we, with open eyes, attain a union that is truly one of love and trust.
We attract what we are, and if what we are is faithful to God first and foremost, then our Heavenly Father will provide the remainder. Because being a wife and mother, like any vocation, is ultimately in the service of God, not yet being called to it is also ultimately from him. He has other things for us to accomplish in the meantime. So foster meaningful and fulfilling friendships, cultivate yourself intellectually and spiritually, and find creative outlets that you can be passionate about because if there’s anything I’ve learned from the stories of people who have already found someone with whom to share their lives, it’s that it will happen when you least expect it.
