“I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath!” Psalm 116:1-2
Have you ever known deep despair? The kind that leaves you so utterly sad you don’t know if you can survive, or even if you want to…..
I knew this feeling in January of 1996. About two years before this, I was told I had severe endometriosis and my chances were slim that I’d be able to conceive a child. For as long as I could remember, I wanted a home full of children. My husband and I began trying to have a child immediately after we were married. Every month for 18 months that dream slowly disappeared at the start of my monthly cycle.
This unfulfilled longing had taken a toll on me. And one night in desperation, I told God if I couldn’t have children, I didn’t want to live. I couldn’t bear the thought of my life without children. Deferred hope had broken my heart. I went to bed that night with tear-stained eyes.
“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” C.S. Lewis
In my deepest sorrow, God spoke hope into my hopelessness.
That very night I had a dream. Someone was knocking on my door, so I went to the door and opened it. Waiting on the other side of that door was a beautiful baby boy. I asked God if this was my child. I don’t remember if the voice was audible or just understood by my soul, but the answer was this. “Yes, it is. And he’s coming soon.” I immediately awoke with overwhelming wonder and a revived spirit. Hope burst through my despair that night. And sure enough, by the end of that year, we welcomed our newborn son into this world.
The same year I became a mother, I also became a child – God’s child.
I often reflect on that year as a time when God gave me hope for something temporal (a child) but He also taught me something invaluable about eternal hope. For as long as I could remember, I believed in God. But this was the year I came to KNOW God, and that was primarily motivated by the realization that the God of this universe, who simply spoke the world into existence, actually knew and loved me. Had I not had that dream, I would have discovered I was expecting a baby within a few months. God knew that. He also knew my heart. He knew I was seeking truth, which ultimately meant I was seeking Him.
The miracles Jesus performed when He walked this earth all had one purpose. They assured those seeking truth that He was the Messiah, sent from the Father. He was “God with us.” His miracles affirmed truth. The miracles astonished and blessed many people, but they primarily affected temporal circumstances. They vanished with the life of the recipients. But those who weren’t content with earthly comfort sought the source of the miracles. They looked past the things of this world to clearly see Jesus. They believed that He wasn’t only the source of earthly miracles but more importantly, the source of eternal hope.
The dream He gave me that night, affirmed to me that Jesus really was who He claimed to be.
God has never dwelled solely in the high heavens but has always chosen to dwell with His people. He isn’t an aloof God who stands at a distance, but a God who draws near to the broken-hearted, those with contrite spirits and those who sincerely seek Him. He isn’t a God who ignores our pleas or despises our tears. On the contrary, He is a God who hears our prayers, gathers our tears and reaches down from heaven to rescue us and give us hope. This is our God.
Since that night, I’ve never again doubted God’s existence or His presence with me. But I’ve also never again placed my hope for contentment in anything this world has to offer. There is nothing better than knowing, savoring, and loving Jesus Christ. I will forever be grateful for every child God has given me to mother. My delight in motherhood has only been surpassed by my delight in Jesus. He isn’t merely a source of temporal happiness. He’s the foundation of my joy in this life. But more importantly, He is the anchor of my hope for all eternity.
Walking intimately with Him for 26 years has shifted my hope from earth to heaven. And I now know there is nothing I could lack in this life that would leave me hopeless or nothing I could gain in this life that would compare to the priceless joy of knowing Jesus.
