I love this verse from Proverbs 13:12, but it often agonizes me! I well know that hope deferred makes the heart sick, Lord, so wouldn’t my longing fulfilled give me life? Wouldn’t a baby give me life? That is the longing of my heart right now. A thriving, healthy, full-term baby that I can smell and kiss and hold. If I was writing my story, that would be the tree of life for me.
But God.
Ohh, God. My Father knows that a baby wouldn’t satisfy my longing heart. Not fully. That baby could never be a tree of life for me. Nor should she or he be! Only Jesus can be that for me. As I have meditated on this verse, my kind and patient Father has continued to draw me to His heart and remind me that He is my longing fulfilled. He is my tree of life. He is my living hope, the author of my salvation.
I have lost three babies in the last year, and these losses have left me reeling. Two of them were surprises, albeit joyous surprises. My questions continue to be many, but my searching and praying and scouring the Scriptures continue to point me to one conclusion:
My Triune God is good, He is near to me, and He alone is my living hope (1 Peter 1:3).
Through this journey of a deep longing being unfulfilled, my Jesus has shown me how He has fulfilled my deepest longings. When I feel the chaos and uncontrollable emotion, Jesus is my peace. He promises to give me peace (John 14:6), and not peace as the world gives (which would be marked by favorable circumstances). When I feel alone and confused and rejected by God, He reminds me that I am His bride (Hosea 2:19-20) and that His love is everlasting (Jeremiah 31:3). When I feel paralyzed by my sorrow, my King lifts my eyes to remind me that my life for eternity will be free of death, mourning, crying and pain (Revelation 21:4). Can I get an Amen, a Let it be?!
So friend, what is your unfulfilled longing? Are you, too, longing for a baby? Are you praying for a spouse? Are you hoping for a raise? Are you longing for a restored relationship, an abatement of pain, a restoration of depression? What is your longing? But most importantly, how does Christ fulfill your longing? Because He DOES. He IS. And He WILL.
I want to leave you with a verse that gives us a forward step. Romans 5:5 says, “Hope does not put us to shame because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” Hope does not put us to shame. Continuing to ask for this earthly longing to be fulfilled will never put us to shame. Keep asking, friend.
But God.
But God might not answer. He might say, “Not yet.” He might even say, “No.” So in the asking, let us submit our will to our good Father. The Father who delights to give us good gifts, who withholds nothing good from us. This is hard, isn’t it? Oh, I know. Tears are falling from my eyes as I write these words. I will keep asking for a baby, at least for right now. But I’m also praying that His will is done, not mine. As I pray for a baby, I am praying for peace. I am praying that Jesus makes me more like Him. I am praying for Jesus to be my living hope, for my heart to love Him more than anything else. And that is my longing fulfilled.
