A Plea to my Brothers-in-Christ.
Her story wasn’t unique. Being involved in women’s ministry for 20 years has unfortunately lent me the opportunity to informally counsel other women in her shoes. And yet, it pierced my heart and compelled me to write her story as a plea for men to understand how devastating porn, even “soft porn” is to your brides.
She and her husband had just spent a wonderful week vacating in a beautiful town they’d longed to visit for a while. They had a flight to catch the next morning. Her husband was sleeping beside her, but she was restless. She thought she’d kill some time reading, but her phone was dead, so she grabbed her husband’s phone. He had mentioned a news story he’d read earlier so she opened his “history” and found it listed. But something else caught her eye. It was a tab under “history” titled “hidden.” That piqued her interest, but what she discovered broke her heart.
The first item was an article written by a female prostitute where she opened a venue for people to ask her anything. As you can imagine, the questions were raunchy and explicit. She boasted about her ability to please married men in ways their wives could not.
Although my friend’s heart was racing and tears were forming in her eyes, she continued to scroll her husband’s “hidden” items which included more erotic articles, and images of scantily dressed women. The final blow was several pictures of the same beautiful woman undressed.
She didn’t know what to do, but she knew her marriage would never be the same again. This was her best friend. The man she trusted with everything. She didn’t keep secrets from him. She’d never succumbed to the temptation to view porn or lust after other men. Her love for her husband and fear of the Lord prevented her from viewing such things. And now, because of her husband’s sin, her eyes saw things she’d never forget.
When she confronted him, he immediately deleted the news app on his phone and apologized profusely. He told her he rarely looked at these things and opened them out of curiosity when they appeared under a “trending” or “popular” tab. She sobbed herself to sleep that night, not knowing if she’d ever be able to trust her husband again.
I’ll never forget the tears in her beautiful eyes as she told me her story. She was crushed, embarrassed, cautious, and confused. She was a broken shell, lacking the vibrance and joy that usually exuded from her. Frankly, it made me angry. Angry because I’m tired of this story.
Various sources have reported that over 60% of men, including those who profess to be Christians, have admitted to regularly viewing porn. I’ve heard these statistics before, but what struck me after my conversation with my friend, is that roughly half of the women in our sanctuaries on Sunday mornings are suffering (or will be) with the same feelings my friend shared with me. I’ve known about multiple accountability and support groups for men and women struggling with porn addiction. But I’ve never heard or seen any support groups for their spouses, the victims of this sin. These women (and sometimes men) often feel embarrassed by their spouse’s sexual sin and want to protect his reputation, so they suffer in silence.
On behalf of those victims, I’d like to make a plea to my brothers-in-Christ who continue to profess Christianity and choose to view porn or lust after women other than their wives. And when I use the word “porn” I don’t only refer to viewing people having sex. I’m talking about viewing something that produces a natural consequence of lust, including reading erotica or viewing pictures of women undressed or partially dressed but leaving little to the imagination.
A pastor once shared with me instructions he received from his mentor regarding adultery. It was brilliant advice, so I’d like my plea to you to begin here.
Let your fantasies be complete. In other words, if you choose to fantasize about sex with people other than your spouse, don’t let the fantasy end with sex. Walk your mind all the way through the consequences of your fantasy.
Here are a few suggestions of realistic consequences to help you complete those fantasies:
Know that your relationship with your wife will change forever. First, she will be furious with you. Then she will be deeply wounded by your betrayal. Your apology will fall on deaf ears, not because she doesn’t want to believe you, but because she can’t. Your words have proven to be futile. The foundation of trust that is necessary for relationships to thrive will disappear and may never return. You may convince yourself that you haven’t committed adultery. But to your wife, it will produce the same sting of betrayal that adultery causes.
Intimacy with your wife will lack vulnerability. Sex was designed by God as the sole act that makes husband and wife become one – both physically and emotionally. When you invite another person into that sacred act, (even if it’s just in your mind) you violate the purpose and beauty of sexual intimacy in marriage.
When your wife realizes what you’ve done, she will probably continue to have a physical desire for you, but she won’t want you to touch her. She will no longer allow herself to be vulnerable with you, which means she will not give herself freely and completely to you. When the two of you are intimate, she will wonder whose face you are seeing, and whose body you are imagining when you close your eyes. She may “go through the motions” but will do it with a wounded and guarded heart.
Your bride’s spirit will be crushed, and her confidence will be shattered. After your sin is exposed, your bride will look in the mirror and see every fault. She will compare her body shape, measurements, curves, or lack thereof to the images she found on your phone. Oftentimes she will feel ugly, inadequate, embarrassed, and unworthy. She will randomly cry during the day and often cry herself to sleep. You will see some of her tears and deeply desire to take away her pain. Yet, you will be burdened with the guilt of knowing you are the one who caused her tears. You will beg her to believe you when you tell her she is beautiful and loved deeply by you, but she won’t. A hundred apologies will not erase the damage you’ve done to her spirit.
She will forgive but she may never trust you again. She will try to trust you but at times it will feel like an impossible task. Oftentimes, she will see you on your phone and wonder what you’re looking at. When you come home late from work, she will suspect things she never did before. When you don’t answer her calls, her imagination will run wild. You will spend the rest of your married life trying to regain her trust and repair what you’ve broken. She will love you again, but that love will lack assurance of your faithfulness, which separates marital unity.
If you are truly men of God, it’s safe to assume you don’t desire to inflict this type of pain on your bride or sabotage your marriage. In times when you struggle with the temptation to lust after other women, please consider the truths we know from God’s Word. If you have the Holy Spirit in you, you have the very power of God to overcome temptation.
You are not a slave to sin. You have the power to control what you allow yourself to see, what your mind thinks about, and what you do with your body. Sexual sin doesn’t control you; it is something you willingly choose to do. And sexual sin does not have a special exemption from these words Paul penned to the Corinthian church.
“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” 1 Cor 10:13.
Choose the way of escape. All too often, we coddle people caught up in porn addiction and justify this incredibly damaging sin. Brothers, please hold one another accountable and stop believing the lies that the very One who created you didn’t give you the ability to deny yourself some earthly passions. Men and women alike were created with sexual desires. And we are all told to flee from temptations that do not edify our marriages, our churches, and our testimonies of who we are as image-bearers of Jesus Christ. God provides an escape when we are tempted. It is our responsibility to choose that escape. Walking in the light requires sacrifice. We aren’t called to do something God will not enable us to do.
Fear the Lord. We all know the temptation to seek sexual gratification outside of our marital unions. But one thing I’ve known personally and seen in many women over the years is that they refuse to allow that temptation to lead them into sin – not only because of their love and respect for you but also because of a sincere fear of the Lord. He sees ALL things, even the things your spouse may never see. It takes a humble, reverent spirit to recognize His presence and use it to spur you on to do the good things He created you to do AND to refuse to succumb to the sins that led Jesus to the cross.
The damage the porn industry and our brazen sexual culture has done to marriages is unfathomable. It’s a battering ram the enemy of our souls uses to constantly tempt our physiological needs. It’s a lie that will never replicate the beauty of intimacy in a marriage. But it’s not all-powerful, like the God who lives inside of us is. We cannot control what the world around us accepts, but we have the power to protect our marriages by refusing to partake.
If you find yourself viewing something that you’d intentionally hide from your wife’s eyes, be aware that these actions will likely destroy the very home you desire to build. I’ll conclude with these final words of warning: If you continue to treat women as though they are nothing more than bodies, in the end, that’s the only thing they’ll be able to give you. But if you esteem your brides, cherish their love, and honor them with loyalty, your marriage will flourish, and you will both be fully satisfied enjoying God-ordained intimacy with one another.
